Alright, I don’t know how many of you know or keep up with a Mr. “Weird Al” Yankovic, but he’s funny. He is known for doing musical parodies and has been doing them for a very long time. I bring this up because recently he came out with some new parodies and while 2 of the 3 I listened to were not his best work, one had me laughing for one reason I will now share with you because it is the subject of this entire post. The song was called…you guessed it, Word Crimes and it is a parody of Blurred Lines by Robin Thinke. The whole song lists off common word crimes that people make that upset Grammar Nazis and drive most people with a working knowledge of the English language and a determinism to not bend to the social norms of non formal written English absolutely bonkers. If you haven’t seen the video it is decently funny, and I will provide a link or the video (because I’ve never posted a video and I don’t know how it pops up in the posts) at the bottom of this post.
Anyway, the song causes me to think of word crimes that personally grind my gears (also I purposely did not name this post grammar anything because I’m not a grammar Nazi there are just things that people do that I consider word crimes, not grammar mistakes. I’m not that great at grammar anyway. Notice also that I said these I my personally annoyances because they are not rules they are just things I prefer people do when talking to me, or rather, not do) and I would like to take a moment to share them with you. Here is a list of the word crimes that figuratively make my head explode:
1. Contractions, or lack there of. So, you ever get annoyed when someone writes “its” when they so clearly mean “it’s”? Yep, this drives me insane. Who skipped the day in school where they taught us the difference? “It’s” is a contraction, or two words being joined together (the two words being it and is because god help our educational system). “Its” is used to show that it owns whatever you are talking about it the sentence, i.e. its bike or its shoes (although, why an ‘it’ would need shoes or a bike is beyond me).
2. Misuse of to, your, and there, and all their counterparts that while pronounced the same have different meanings and spellings. Shall we review? Two is a number that comes after one. Too means also, and to has several definitions including, but not limited to, showing motion in the direction of; or identifying the person or thing affected. Your is a possessive, i.e. your dog or your problem. You’re is a contraction, (see above), combining the two words you and are. So please stop texting me and saying things like “So your going to Mike’s house right?” because I cannot be in possession of going, I don’t even understand how that would be possible. Finally their is also a possessive, it shows multiple people have ownership over something. There is used to show where something is, i.e. she ran over there. They’re is the contraction of they and are, they’re going to the movies tomorrow.
3. The overuse of literally. “I literally died laughing at that scene!” No…no you didn’t because if you did we would not be having this conversation right now. Stop saying you literally did things when you mean you figuratively did them! Just don’t eve put a word in that space the sentence works just fine without it we all get what you mean. If you said, “I died laughing on that scene!” I would have no problem understanding how funny you thought it was and In wouldn’t have to listen to you over over exaggerate and misuse a word all at once. Just…please stop. Stop with the literally, please.
4. Irregardless, and other such words that shouldn’t be words (or should at least mean something else). I hate that word for several reasons. I hate it because it shouldn’t be a word, because once upon a time it wasn’t a word but since people kept misusing it some idiot eggheads (oxymoron?) decided to just add it to the dictionary (and for all of you who say it’s not a word it actually is, but that doesn’t make any less of a stupid one) and just like that it became ok for idiots to just say screw the rules of double negatives! Lets just double negative everything who cares? God I hate that word. The worst part is that in the dictionary it is defined as being synonymous with regardless! Why would someone do that? At the very least if you’re going to make it a word follow the rules and make it the opposite of regardless because the prefix ir means not, and the suffix less means without. So that would make the true meaning of irregardless not without regard. But no! No, no, no, no, no! Screw the logical definition, let’s all just go with whatever people have been using it for because screw rules! It really is such a stupid word, I hate it, I won’t use it…not ever. (Just by-the-way, this word is so stupid my computer is trying to tell me it’s wrong, my computer doesn’t even think this should be a word. Ok, I’m done.)
5. “I could care less.” If you could care less it means you do care, at least on some level, so if you are trying to say you don’t care you mean you couldn’t care less. That would mean you care so little you actually have no ability to care any less than you do in this moment. So every time to tell me you could care less I feel a little relieved because I know you do care on some level. Unfortunately if I were to point that out it might pass right over your head, ah well…at least I know you care.
Alright that’s all for me. Sorry this took so long, I actually wanted to post this a while ago but my computer kept acting up when I tried to write this out. Anyway, it’s here finally and I will have more for you soon because this weekend I’m going to Universal for the addition to Harry Potter World and I can’t wait! I will tell all about and maybe even have some pictures to share (there will be pictures, millions of them). Finally, as promised here is the video Word Crimes, and as always, thanks for reading.